Intrusive Thoughts

Category: Uncategorized

  • Locked Inside

    My eyes opened at 5:06am.  My partner and I have a giant bed where our two kids sleep between us – it’s a very comfortable and warm place to rest.  Upon waking up – I roll over to look at my 5-year-old – who looks so peaceful and gentle while she sleeps.  Her eyelids slightly shuffle during REM, as I run my fingers through her hair and whisper, “I love you so much.”  I hope her dreams are filled with happiness and best friends.

    I then glance over at my partner – who looks beautiful as she slumbers while our 2-year-old son lay with his head on her stomach, and arm across her chest.  He still breast feeds during the early morning hours, so he is sure to stay close for easy access.  Between our 2 children – she has been breast feeding for nearly 5-years straight.  I strongly admire her strength and deep passion for motherhood.  I reach out to place my hand on my sons’ head to brush his hair back and forth – “I love you, buddy,” I softly speak.

    I roll back over and stare at the ceiling – “what have you done?”  That emptiness mixed with nausea begins to consume me – and the recollection of my bad decisions flood my thought process.  In December 2023, I decided to leave my full-time job during some sort of mental breaking-point I had – and this was ultimately a terrible decision.  I would do anything for an opportunity to rewind time – but that’s not how life works.  It was a family decision, as I spoke to my partner about resigning to reflect on my career, while taking on a larger role at home with the children.  I have savings and had convinced myself that I thought it through.  I did not realize, at the time and for me, how much a full-time job instilled meaning/purpose within – nor did I anticipate how long it would take to transition back. 

    I had worked full-time for 20-years – and was largely proud of my professional life – but it was all taken away, by my own poor decision making/lack of foresight.  It has put my partner in a tough position financially and emotionally, as I have completely shut down as I try to find full-time work in this current professional climate.  Thank goodness I have a part-time role – but it’s not the same.  I feel ashamed to look at my kids and worry about the future.  I dread waking up because I must look in the mirror.  I am forced to pretend like everything is ok.

    Over the weekend at the park, playing with the kids – I overheard families speaking about their jobs and big homes they own.  They have stocks and equity – I just wanted to slap each one of them.  I was that guy once and can’t fault others for having what I don’t and what I wish I had right now.  I yearn for what I once despised – a cubicle and regular bi-weekly paycheck. 

    I think to myself, “what happened to you?” 

    At some point during the pandemic lockdowns – I started to get angry and resentful.  My oldest daughter(3rd child), who is with us every other week, was in 5th grade at the time and locked out of her school.  She was forced to stop playing sports and to cover her beautiful face.  The frustration grew and festered inside – it never went away.  I felt my children were being harmed and being asked to normalize strange policies and routines. Others handled it well – especially my colleagues who were single and enjoying the “telework” life – but for me, I only wanted normalcy again.  5-years later, I still feel the frustration but wish I had handled it better – like my partner and oldest daughter had.  They could see me unraveling – something I couldn’t see myself.  Hindsight is a crazy thing.

    I pray that tomorrow I wake up with a different perspective.  I feel like my old self is locked inside of me – and can’t get out.  I see him in there pacing back and forth – banging on the door – trying to scream some sense into me.  If I don’t change and I continue down this path – I will lose everything.  I don’t want that.  I just want to feel like myself again.

  • Ruthlessly Honest

    Ruthlessly Honest

    I am at the point in my life where I must be honest.  Ruthlessly. At some point in 2021 – I hit an absolute breaking point, and my thought process has gone downhill since then.  I no longer feel like myself, and now more than ever, I am burdened with intrusive thoughts that won’t go away.  I am 45-years old and wonder if my mind has just diminished as the repetition of life has worn me down and this is who I am now permanently – or if I have been plagued with negative thoughts that I can change/remedy to find some resemblance of the person I once was? 

    People used to view me as a positive and outgoing man – someone who could talk to anyone – but now, I am quiet and reserved – it feels hard to connect with anyone.  In fact, I go out of my way to avoid interacting with people because I am frankly sick of hearing about political viewpoints and people’s high-tech jobs/stock options.  I just don’t care.  The worst part about the less-than-ideal transformation is that I have 3-kids and a loving partner.  It is probably the worst time to shut-down, but here I am spiraling into this feeling of emptiness mixed with sadness and nausea.  I am at an emotional rock-bottom, and my kids are the only reason I drag myself out of bed in the morning – I am hoping I can hold on long enough for them to snap out of this painful and depressed purgatory I find myself trapped in.

    I used to smoke Cannabis to “take the edge off.”  But, when I started feeling like shit constantly, I quit.  I thought maybe the pot was harming my psyche and changing the way I think – I hoped stopping would make me feel better psychologically.  Instead, I started having the most disturbing, warped and vivid dreams imaginable.  I can’t even escape the negative thoughts by falling asleep anymore – which for a while became my oasis.  For example, last week I had a dream that my 5-year-old was kidnapped while we were on some sort of vacation.  In my dream I couldn’t stop screaming her name – I was in a full-on panic for what seemed like hours while sleeping.  Then, my eyes opened around 5:30am, which they always do now – and it all felt so real.  I had to check on her – and give her a bear hug to make sure she was secure in my arms.  Last night, I had a similar dream about my son – I screamed so loud and long for help, but there was no one to be found. 

    The most prevalent and constant intrusive thought I have is something horrendous happening to one of my kids – from envisioning them getting hit by a car (the sounds I imagine are distressing) after escaping the playground at preschool, or one of them drowning or choking on their lunch/snack – or my oldest being kidnapped or overdosing on some sort of drug at a party. Each day, I obsess and stress over something terrible happening and I am just exhausted from these thoughts.

    On top of the intrusive thoughts – I feel persistent guilt.  I know my current state of mind impacts my ability to be the best parent I can be – so I feel terrible about feeling terrible.  I feel bad for my kids and often wonder if they’d be better off without me.  My partner is an extremely supportive person and is basically begging me to get help/seek therapy, as she thinks I am depressed.  I know she would be better off without me – but she stays with me for the kids, as there is no way she would otherwise. 

    The one friend I have left recommended I take Prozac, which he started not too long ago.  He said it has helped him “forget and not dwell on things he once did.”  I just can’t bring myself to take medication – as the only drug I currently use is caffeine.  11-years ago I stopped drinking alcohol – and more recently, as mentioned, I gave up smoking pot.  I never liked pills – and never have I experimented with hard-drugs, which have destroyed multiple family-members lives.

    I am at a loss – so here I am hoping that finding an outlet will help me discover a way to cope.  By all measures, I had a great life up until 2021 – and I held on to my old self until early 2024 – but now I am just lost.  I want nothing more than to find who I once was, and I am scared that won’t happen.