I am at the point in my life where I must be honest. Ruthlessly. At some point in 2021 – I hit an absolute breaking point, and my thought process has gone downhill since then. I no longer feel like myself, and now more than ever, I am burdened with intrusive thoughts that won’t go away. I am 45-years old and wonder if my mind has just diminished as the repetition of life has worn me down and this is who I am now permanently – or if I have been plagued with negative thoughts that I can change/remedy to find some resemblance of the person I once was?
People used to view me as a positive and outgoing man – someone who could talk to anyone – but now, I am quiet and reserved – it feels hard to connect with anyone. In fact, I go out of my way to avoid interacting with people because I am frankly sick of hearing about political viewpoints and people’s high-tech jobs/stock options. I just don’t care. The worst part about the less-than-ideal transformation is that I have 3-kids and a loving partner. It is probably the worst time to shut-down, but here I am spiraling into this feeling of emptiness mixed with sadness and nausea. I am at an emotional rock-bottom, and my kids are the only reason I drag myself out of bed in the morning – I am hoping I can hold on long enough for them to snap out of this painful and depressed purgatory I find myself trapped in.
I used to smoke Cannabis to “take the edge off.” But, when I started feeling like shit constantly, I quit. I thought maybe the pot was harming my psyche and changing the way I think – I hoped stopping would make me feel better psychologically. Instead, I started having the most disturbing, warped and vivid dreams imaginable. I can’t even escape the negative thoughts by falling asleep anymore – which for a while became my oasis. For example, last week I had a dream that my 5-year-old was kidnapped while we were on some sort of vacation. In my dream I couldn’t stop screaming her name – I was in a full-on panic for what seemed like hours while sleeping. Then, my eyes opened around 5:30am, which they always do now – and it all felt so real. I had to check on her – and give her a bear hug to make sure she was secure in my arms. Last night, I had a similar dream about my son – I screamed so loud and long for help, but there was no one to be found.
The most prevalent and constant intrusive thought I have is something horrendous happening to one of my kids – from envisioning them getting hit by a car (the sounds I imagine are distressing) after escaping the playground at preschool, or one of them drowning or choking on their lunch/snack – or my oldest being kidnapped or overdosing on some sort of drug at a party. Each day, I obsess and stress over something terrible happening and I am just exhausted from these thoughts.
On top of the intrusive thoughts – I feel persistent guilt. I know my current state of mind impacts my ability to be the best parent I can be – so I feel terrible about feeling terrible. I feel bad for my kids and often wonder if they’d be better off without me. My partner is an extremely supportive person and is basically begging me to get help/seek therapy, as she thinks I am depressed. I know she would be better off without me – but she stays with me for the kids, as there is no way she would otherwise.
The one friend I have left recommended I take Prozac, which he started not too long ago. He said it has helped him “forget and not dwell on things he once did.” I just can’t bring myself to take medication – as the only drug I currently use is caffeine. 11-years ago I stopped drinking alcohol – and more recently, as mentioned, I gave up smoking pot. I never liked pills – and never have I experimented with hard-drugs, which have destroyed multiple family-members lives.
I am at a loss – so here I am hoping that finding an outlet will help me discover a way to cope. By all measures, I had a great life up until 2021 – and I held on to my old self until early 2024 – but now I am just lost. I want nothing more than to find who I once was, and I am scared that won’t happen.
Intrusive Thoughts 